Archive for September, 2006

This week’s classic music video is fitting considering that Terrell Owens’ publicist looks like she had an allergic reaction to the crack rock.  In the meantime, to this day, I’m still perplexed as to how The Dogs don’t have the same notoriety with my generation as other flash in the pan rap luminaries such as Vanilla Ice, M.C. Hammer, and Sir-Mix-a-Lot. That needs to change starting today.

(This and a ton of other clips are on the Frank the Tank Channel on YouTube.)


I’ve tried to avoid much fantasy sports talk on this blog, but I need to vent here. I heard all of the calls prior to the season about the Madden Jinx and that I should avoid drafting Shaun Alexander for my fantasy football team. However, I’m way too left-brained to believe in such theories, so I ignored all of such talk and grabbed the Seahawks running back when I got the number three pick in one of my drafts (although I would have taken my main man LaDainian Tomlinson if he had been available). Needless to say, we’re not even a month into the season and Shaun Alexander went ahead and broke his foot, meaning that he will be out indefinitely. With the long list of marquee players (compiled nicely by the SportsColumn Blog) either having injuries or numbers drop off drastically immediately after being on the cover of Madden, I’m now a full believer in the jinx. Some other random thoughts:

1) Bears Escape the Hump Dome – Without Tommie Harris, the Bears would have lost Sunday’s game against the Vikings. That being said, Rex Grossman showed that he could rebound from a Favre-esque aggressive mistake with a clutch play at the end. At the same time, it was jarring to no longer see Mike Tice prowl the sidelines in Minnesota after he was hired away in a bidding war by Isiah Thomas to be an assistant coach with the Knicks.

2) Juice Needs Some More FermentingRon Zook finally decided to start Juice Williams at quarterback on Saturday for the Illini, which resulted in the freshman not completing his first 450 passes of the game. I’ve come to the point where I was actually ecstatic when the game was still scoreless near the end of first half for Illinois (although Iowa promptly scoring three touchdowns in the last five minutes of the second quarter snapped me out of my semi-joy). What kind of crack/smack/crank hybrid was I smoking when I said the Illini were going to make a bowl this season?! I’m sure all of you have learned by now to never take me seriously on anything.

3) Sparty Crying in His Irish Coffee – I’ve watched countless Bears and Illini games in my lifetime, which means that I’m a certified expert in pathetic football performances. Therefore, I can unequivocally tell you that Michigan State played the worst fourth quarter I have ever seen in my life against Notre Dame on Saturday. I don’t think anyone watching that game on Saturday thought there was any way that the Irish would come back against the Spartans. In fact, the Chicago Tribune that arrived on my doorstep on Sunday morning, which was published before the game ended, had headlines and a page-long article proclaiming MSU’s dominance along with ripping the lackluster performance of Notre Dame. With the new college rules in place that make the clock run faster than even the NFL and the way that Michigan State was running the ball, even the worst coach could avoid giving up three touchdowns in the final quarter, right? Well, the flurry of turnovers, botched play calls, and the continued insistence of the Spartans to run the option even though they kept getting stuffed as opposed to using their 260-pound running back to pound the ball downhill (it should be noted that ABC announcer and former Notre Dame coach Bob Davie said on multiple occasions that MSU ought to keep using the option to keep the Irish off-balance, which is empirical evidence of why he is no longer coaching anywhere). Congratulations, Michigan State – your 2006 team picture is now next to the definition of “fugly” in the dictionary. I’m not even a Spartan fan and I was mortified by that performance, so you can only imagine how the Enlightened Spartan feels. I think I just saw John L. Smith’s head roll by my desk.

A post-mortem on the disappointing White Sox season will come at some point. Until then, enjoy your Tuesday!

(Image from Wikipedia)

Predictions for the day: Bears over the Vikings on Sunday, Iowa continues my Illinois misery, Michigan State over Notre Dame in a close one, Alex will hook up with Dr. Addison Shepherd on Grey’s Anatomy within the next few episodes (I’ve been convinced of this since the middle of last season), and an angry Tiger Woods will avenge his wife’s honor to lead the U.S. to victory in the Ryder Cup. On to today’s links…

1) The Links of Death (Fleece the Pig, Flog the Pony) – A comprehensive around-the-web roundup on the death of the Chicago White Sox, including a reference to yours truly.

2) Star Wars Lego Orchestra (Linda) – An animated Stormtrooper Lego orchestra performs the Imperial March with Darth Vader as the conductor. ‘Nuff said.

3) ‘Spaceballs’ to Become TV Cartoon ( (from Kenny) – Tangentially, I’m really hoping that Pizza the Hut is going to be resurrected.

4) Tribune to Consider Sale of Some Media Assets (New York Times) – For the Cubs fans out there that have been craving for new ownership, it might be around the corner.

5) My Dreams Aren’t All Wet (Chronically Insane) – Despite the classy title of this post, this all has to do with the popularity of soccer in the United States. Meanwhile, the Wall Street Journal reported today that Zidane’s World Cup head butt has made him a bigger endorsement commodity than ever.

6) Chief Update Plus the QB Decision (Illinitalk) – I completely agree that it’s time for the Illini to free the Juice.

7) Oh, I’ve Had Those Days (Minneapolis Red Sox) – Heh…

And finally…

8) Toasting Benefits of Social Drinking (Los Angeles Times) – A scientific study shows that drinkers make more money than non-drinkers. Taking into account all of my previous “studying” in college and law school, I should soon be a billionaire.

Have a great weekend and HOORAY BEARS!

Once upon a time, a major rock group could play air guitar, air drum, air bass, and air keyboard in a music video and be completely serious about it. That era ended about a week after the premiere of this video. In the meantime, considering the Steve Perry connection, I think this is the perfect theme song for the now-dead 2006 Chicago White Sox.

(This and a ton of other clips are on the Frank the Tank Channel on YouTube.)

I’m positive that the contestants on Deal or No Deal are culled from the people that failed the Wheel of Fortune pretests. There also should be a VIP lounge in hell strictly for the “friends and family” that continue to shout “No Deal!” when the contestant, who almost always has some type of huge debt due to medical problems/school loans/lost job/etc., could end up with a six-figure check if he or she would just walk away but invariably opens up one case too many. Anyway, some random links for your Tuesday:

1) Requiem for a Season (Ron Karkovice Fan Club) – This was written even before Magglio Ordonez slammed the White Sox last night to put us on life support. It turns out that Mags and Big Frank Thomas were out for blood money the past few days. Let’s move on before I go postal on something somewhere…

2) Time to Move the Mississippi, Experts Say (New York Times) – Engineers are examining ways to divert the Mississippi River to spill out into the Gulf Coast farther north. Next, after going through the process on how the Chicago River is turned green on St. Patrick’s Day, they’ll tackle the age-old problem of trying to make it look blue for the rest of the year. (Thank you, I’ll be here all week.)

3) No-Show Kemp Blows Chance With Bulls (Chicago Tribune) – In 2016, the first 30 picks of the NBA Draft will all be children of Shawn Kemp.

4) Hip-Hop Lovers in Britain Have More Sex According to Survey ( – If you need any more proof that country music sucks, I don’t know what to tell you.

5) Rose’s Decision to Sign Confession Balls… Brilliant ( – The scumbag makes the news again with another money-making scheme. One argument that I hear a lot that I can’t stand: if Pete Rose confesses to gambling on baseball, he ought to be forgiven and let into the Hall of Fame. This doesn’t make sense whatsoever. If gambling is the “death penalty” offense for baseball, confessing to committing the offense is essentially proof of such offense, which thereby means that baseball has no choice but to apply the corresponding penalty. The “Rose didn’t use steroids like Bonds, McGwire, or Sosa” argument doesn’t do anything for me, either. The number one reason why I love watching sports is that, unlike the majority of television shows, movies, and other forms of entertainment, the outcome of every game is unpredictable and not predetermined. When people with influence can alter such outcome as a result of gambling, Major League Baseball becomes nothing more than a WWE match with bats and balls. Nothing is worse for sports than the prospect of its players, managers, and coaches gambling on their own games and, therefore, Pete Rose should never even get a sniff of Cooperstown.

And finally…

6) Evolution of Dance (YouTube) – Somehow, this clip is the most-watched video of all-time on YouTube (and it’s not even close – it has twice as many views as the #2 video). The average outtake from The Simpsons or Seinfeld blows thie clip away in terms of overall comedic value, but I do have to make the recommendation to watch this only because the comedian here uses a number of patented Frank the Tank dance moves when U Can’t Touch This starts playing about halfway through. You’ll see what I’m talking about.

Regardless of everything else going on in the world, one thing continues to hold true: Hooray Bears!

I love my house, but when it comes down to it, if I’ve got a couch, a big screen television, and a remote control, I’d be happy living back in a tiny Illinois dorm room again (with TK again, of course). This past Saturday, I finally got an entire day where I didn’t have to be anywhere, so I chose to spend 13 straight hours watching college football, including a record 7 games featuring two ranked teams. Here’s my recap of that glorious day with a handful of links to fan blogs across the nation:

1) Syracuse 31, Illinois 21 (Illinitalk) – Fuck me.

2) Iowa 27, Iowa 17 – It looks like Kirk Ferentz has the Hawkeyes back on track as the Cy-Hawk Trophy returns to Iowa City. Iowa’s secret: easy chicks from Homewood-Flossmoor.

3) Michigan State 38, Pittsburgh 23 (Pitt Blather) – Constant television shots of a furry raccoon-like mustache gazing blankly out onto the field as his team gets reamed. Where have I seen this before? Oh right – it was my personal hell as a Chicago Bears fan during the Clinton Administration. I was reminded again how much I don’t miss Dave Wannstedt in my life. Dare I suggest a Pitt alum that would be perfect as a new head coach… Hurricane Ditka?

4) Boston College 30, BYU 23 (2 OT) – A denominational war between the Catholics and Mormans. Wives on compounds across the Rocky Mountain region are still trying to figure out how BYU could lose when BC’s kicker managed to miss two extra points in the same game. Not even the Pope can explain that one.

5) Michigan 47, Notre Dame 21 (mgoblog) – Speaking of Catholics, I’ve gotten a ton of prognostications wrong on this blog, but knowing that Notre Dame was completely overrated this year wasn’t one of them. Michigan’s defense smashed the Irish to grab some honor back for the Big Ten in the wake of Notre Dame waxing Penn State last week. As much as it pains me to say this, it was nice to see the Wolverines expose the flaws of the Irish with so many people convinced that Charlie Weis is a genius. My Notre Dame fan friends have still failed to give me any compelling reason as to why Weis is already next in line for the papacy when he had the exact same record (9-3) in his first season as Tyrone Willingham. However, it’s going to take three or four bottles of Febreeze for me to get rid of the filthy stench of spending three hours cheering for Michigan.

5) Auburn 7, LSU 3 – With the Notre Dame-Michigan game out of hand by the end of the first quarter, this SEC West matchup was fortunately an instant classic that went down to the wire. I picked Auburn to make it to the national championship game and as long as the defense plays like they did on Saturday, the Tigers (the Auburn ones as opposed to the LSU ones – you know you’re a redneck if you put two teams with the same nicknames in the same division in the same conference) are on their way to fulfilling that prediction.

6) Oregon 34, Oklahoma 33 – There needs to be some kind of fashion rule about Oregon not being able to wear its uniforms after Labor Day.

(UPDATE: By now, you’ve probably heard of the messed up call on an onside kick by the instant replay official that resulted in Oregon scoring to win the game (you can see footage of it here), which has subsequently caused the Pac-10 suspending the game’s entire officiating crew and the obligatory death threats from Sooner fans. It’s like Illinois-Michigan in 2000 all over again.)

7) A’s 7, White Sox 4 (Chi-Sox Blog) (baseball break) – Fuck me twice.

8) Southern Illinois 35, Indiana 28
– I saw this score on ESPN’s bottom line and chortled heartily. The Pillow Fight of the Century is set for October 7th in Champaign.

9) Texas 52, Rice 7
– A preview of the Illinois-Ohio State game on November 4th.

10) Northern Illinois 31, Buffalo 13 – Whenever some random person has claimed that NIU would beat the Illini head-to-head, which is something I’ve heard virtually everyday for a couple of years now, I scoffed since no matter what the teams’ records might have been, I always believed that the gap between the talent levels of athletes that are in the Big Ten as opposed to the MAC was too huge. Now, however, I realize that I’m an idiot.

11) Arizona State 21, Colorado 3 – All is right with the world as the stars of Girls Gone Wild beat the snowboarding stoners.

12) Clemson 27, Florida State 20
– I thought Mike Patrick was buried underneath the end zone at the Meadowlands after ESPN decided to use Mike Tirico as its announcer for Monday Night Football, but the “Are you kidding me?!” calls for running backs barely getting back to the line of scrimmage ended up returning for the Bowden Bowl. As a result, my speakers were blown out during Clemson’s stunning march downfield to end the game. All of this occurred after the Tigers (yet another southern team named the Tigers, albeit in the ACC) had 2 blocked kicks that were returned by FSU for scores, which led to Tommy Bowden, in the best sideline interview since Joe Namath tried to kiss Suzy Kolber, proclaiming that he’s never kicking the ball again. This marks the first time that a major college football coach has chosen to employ Frank the Tank’s No Kicking in Madden Strategy. Seeing that I have taken several putrid Bears teams to the Super Bowl with this gameplan (when I say “putrid”, I mean “Moses Moreno is the highest rated quarterback on the team putrid”), I knew that it would catch on at some point.

13) USC 28, Nebraska 10 (Conquest Chronicles) – Matt Leinart’s replacement as the USC quarterback is named Booty. Heh-heh, Beavis.

14) Florida 21, Tennessee 20 – Unlike the Notre Dame-Michigan and USC-Nebraska games, this matchup lived up to the hype with a back-and-forth thriller. Judging by how closely matched this game and the Auburn-LSU tilt were, the claims that the SEC is the top conference in the nation this year are well founded – all four of the participants in the big conference games of the day ought to be in the top ten.

15) Texas A&M 28, Army 24
– What was supposed to be an after-dinner mint to the huge rivalry games ended up being the most exciting contest of the day. When Army stuffed A&M on a misguided decision to go for it on fourth down while still in Aggie territory instead of punting it with less than 3 minutes to go, I thought destiny was on the service academy’s side. It certainly looked to be that way when A&M committed a pass interference penalty in the end zone and Army got the ball on the 2-yard line with only seconds left to go in the game. Alas, the Aggies’ strength and athleticism prevented Army from punching a touchdown in and scoring the biggest upset of the week. While it was a bummer to see an underdog, especially one with our nation’s future military leaders, come so close and not make it, the game summed up the beauty of college football: kids giving it all with heart and passion for the name on the front of the jersey instead of the one on the back. I can’t wait to watch it all again next week.

Today is the start of a new feature called Frank the Tank’s Classic Music Video of the Week. As the title suggests, I’ll be regularly posting a nostalgic blast from the past to get your music jones on (with a heavy emphasis on old school hip-hop and ’80s monster arena rock).

For this week’s offering, it’s a song with lyrics that most people of my generation know better than the words to the Star Spangled Banner. However, I completely forgot how ridiculous (read: awesome) Sir Mix-a-Lot’s accompanying video was with the “booty stage” and subliminal messages. I couldn’t think of any song better suited to kick this new feature off.

(This and a ton of other clips are on the Frank the Tank Channel on YouTube.)